Whatchoo Lookin At

Behold Britney Spears, once America’s bubble-gum pop princess, now America’s trashiest panty-less, crotch-flashing wonder. I guess it was only a matter of time before she publically disgraced herself with photos sure to embarrass her two children. And it only took about 7 days of hanging out with Paris Hilton. And one day of hanging out with Lindsay Lohan. Together they are the Unholy Triumvirate of Attention Whore Skanks. They probably have special powers and unstoppable STD’s.

Anytime momma Lynne Spears would like to step in and stage a much-needed intervention to tell Britney to stop flashing her junk, quit hanging with the only two celebrities skankier than she is and get back to her mothering her own two babies, would be much appreciated by the entire world.

Here’s Britney making her very classy upskirt debut and proving she has no shame or class, showing off her C-section scar and looking like she just might have a rash on her ass. Enjoy the vomiting. (Note Paris Hilton in the background looking on with pride at Britney–her lessons on how to achieve maximum skankiness have paid off!)

Here’s the source of the pics, if you can stomach more pics, at HIGH RES. You’ve been warned.

She’s really, really real! And she’s adorable. Suri Cruise made her first live photographic (UNphotoshopped!) appearance in Italy this week, where her parents Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will be having their wedding.

That’s right, I said her parents. I’ll accept that she’s really their child. I’ll be damned, she even looks like Tom. Which can only mean one thing: IN VITRO! Okay, that’s nowhere near as scandalous as an alien baby, but that’s all I’ve got to work with here, cut me some slack.

Anyhow, good for her, she looks like a happy, healthy baby. And she’s got at least 7 or 8 more years until other kids start asking questions and she inevitably finds out the sham her parents are putting on here. Enjoy them, Suri, because then it’s THERAPY TIME!

Maybe life is fair after all…Page Six reports the downright delicious details of K-Fed’s downfall:

NOW that Britney Spears has called a halt to Kevin Federline’s gravy train, the aspiring rapper is broke. Even before the split was announced, Spears told Fed-ex to fly himself to New York and get his own hotel room, an insider told Us Weekly, even though she was flying here on a private jet to record music. Spears then ordered his phone turned off and credit cards shut down. “Not even his mother could get ahold of him,” a source told the magazine. Federline is now scrimping where he can. He and his entourage of eight wannabe rappers showed up at downtown burlesque joint Corio for a comped dinner that would have cost him $1,200, a source tells us. An eyewitness at the next table reports, “He just kept ordering more and more food and then asked for it to be put in containers so he could take the food out to the clubs with him. Then he started putting napkins in the tops of the tequila and vodka bottles and stuck them under his coat trying to sneak the liquor out with him. It was really unbelievable to watch. The guy obviously has enough money to buy a bottle of liquor on his own without trying to sneak it under his coat.” Well, maybe not anymore.

See y’all? Christmas came early and there IS a Santa Claus.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll have to get back to rolling on the floor in delight and clapping my hands in glee.

Neeeee-haa!! Britney Spears moseyed on down back home to get in touch with her trailer trash roots and to get her some country-fried grub. People magazine reports:

During her stay, she paid a visit to longtime family friend Nyla Price, 55, owner of Nyla’s Burger Basket in nearby Osyka, Miss. – a Spears family favorite – along with her kids and other friends and family.

Spears is “a wonderful mother and she’s doing great right now,” Price tells PEOPLE. “She looks beautiful with her cute little short hair cut. She’s happy and doing just fine. The babies are gorgeous – both of them are so adorable.”

God, she’s so trashtastic–hair looking like a fried wig, all braless and smoking at a restaurant with her baby. It would be tragic if it weren’t so entertaining. Aw hell, I’m lying, it IS tragic AND entertaining!

You know she just wanted to pick her up some fried coke and maybe a new baby-daddy.

Snoop just keeps on keepin’ it real and just doin’ what he do, by confirming that he really does smoke weed every day.  And he gets a kick out of seeing some criminal justice being served by undercover investigative shows while he lights up.

The former drug dealer was asked by Stuff magazine what is the first thing he does in the morning. “Roll a blunt,” he replied. Asked what’s the last thing he does in the evening, he said, “Smoke a blunt.” And when asked what television shows he enjoys watching, the rapper said. “I like MSNBC, when they be catching those child predators. I love when they crack their [bleeps].”

God bless you Snoop, you really do care about the children. And I’m sure someone so concerned with kids’ welfare would also just loooove puppies, so I’m sure he’d love this homage to his namesake:

Okay, I just wanted an excuse to put up that hilariously cute picture of a dog in an afro wig. Isn’t it awesome? You’re welcome.

According to MSNBC’s The Scoop, Katie Holmes is hard at work keeping up the pretense of a heterosexual relationship with Tom Cruise:

Tom Cruise’s bride-to-be went to Le Bra Lingerie in West Hollywood and spent more than $3,000 on lacy underthings, more than $1,000 of which was for a “bridal collection” set.

Among the purchases: a Chantilly lace bridal collection, reports a source. Among the goodies: a bra that cost $440, a $340 thong, a garter belt for $220, and silk stockings that went for $95 — for a total of $1,190.

Additionally, Holmes picked out a silk nightgown with a matching robe trimmed with ostrich feathers that set her back $620, a lace bra with Swarovski crystals for $380 and matching thong with crystals for $175, as well as two sets of silk pajamas and matching robes at $425 each.

“They weren’t all white — and they certainly weren’t virginal,” says the source. “But she’s a mom, so I guess that’s appropriate.”

First of all, a crystal-encrusted thong? OUCH! Okay, I admit that sounds hot and now I want one.

Secondly, we all know Tom is never gonna see her in this stuff, so I have to assume that Katie has lined herself up a high-class Italian gigolo for her wedding night. At least I hope she has, cause you know Tom already lined up his. I bet his gigolo is probably a lot hotter than hers because he’s a selfish prick like that.

Sure his-and-hers gigolos are unorthodox, but it beats retreating alone to separate bedrooms on your wedding night and drinking and crying over just having signed your young life away to the devil. A gay midget devil, that is.

Another ridiculously obvious Page Six item:

WHICH singer had to deliver her child via Cesarean because of a raunchy STD her estranged husband gave her?

Bitch, please!!! As if she didn’t already have herpes and possibly worms from doing such savory, hygiene-minded things like using gas station restrooms barefoot and walking around needle-laden parking lots barefoot too. $20 says Britney herself called this in to Page Six.

Although I admit Kevin is incredibly disgusting and his penis has surely been in extra nasty places, so he could have given her a super-virulent-wannabe-ghetto-wigger-rapper strain of an STD (Herpes) she already had. I’m no doctor, but this makes complete medical sense to me.

They should both be sealed off as a biohazard and have their extraordinary white-trash pestilence studied by the CDC. Think of all the lives in trailer parks that would be saved!!

Page Six ran a blind item that asked:

WHICH young Hollywood starlet had secret gastric bypass surgery, but then lost too much weight? During a recent four-day stint at a health clinic, she was actually having an operation to remove the bypass.

I guess that explains why she was out shopping only several days into her “rehab treatment.”

Also, kudos to the scum doctors out there who won’t let a pesky thing like ethics stop them from performing dangerous, unnecessary surgeries like this on inappropriate patients. (For you nit-pickers out there, many people have pointed out that a gastric bypass involves removing intestines and part of the stomach, so it’s likely that she had a lap band procedure, which just drastically reduces stomach size and IS reversible. But it’s still dangerous and only recommended for the clinically obese.)

So it seems like Nicole is gaining weight already. So what if her hairline still makes her look 80 and her finger still reminds you of E.T. wanting to phone home, only delivering a much ruder message:

The important thing is that we can no longer see her chest bones or count her ribs, and there’s even a hint of her boobs starting to return! Maybe after a few more trips to McDonalds she’ll lose the resemblance to a 12-year-old boy completely! So good for her.

Lindsay Lohan called Paris Hilton a word that starts with “C” and ends in “UNT” in this video captured by Hollywood.com.

HEAVENS TO BETSEY, NO!! I’m clutching my pearls in astonishment! And this coming from such the well-behaved classy young lady we know Lindsay to be!

The best part is that right after clearly calling her the C word, she smirks, turns around to her friends–probably to say “Watch THIS and then tell me if I don’t deserve an Oscar, bitches!”–and denies the whole thing with a straight face.  She even says, “I love Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton is my friend.” I have to say, her performance IS brilliant. I think this is why they pay her the big bucks to do movies, people.

And hey, even though she’s a spoiled, drugged-up, boozy whore who makes dubious fashion choices (see below), she did call Paris Hilton a cunt, and that pretty much makes her alright with me. Even if she is trying to bring back the Thriller-era with her red jacket.

Oh my God, y’all, she really did it. Divorce papers are on the web and everything.

You know, as much as I rag on her for being such a moron, I have to give her props for losing 190 pounds of loser-wigger-wannabe-rapper weight she’s been carrying around for years. Good for her.

And she’s getting rid of him for only about $3.85 million: $30,000 a month for half the length of their marriage, which equals 350,000 over a year, and half the worth of their $7 million Malibu mansion. Plus, all gifts worth over $10,000 are to be returned to the gift-giver. (No Ferrari for you, K-Fed!) Basically, it’s a bargain since she is said to be worth $120 million. She should be thanking her mama right about now for forcing her to sign that dang prenup.

What I really love about this is her timing: she pulls this on him right after his album flops miserably and she goes on Letterman to flaunt how she dropped the baby weight. I may hate Britney Spears, but I hate Kevin Federline even more, so I say, “Way to twist the knife and really kick him when he’s down! Props to you, Britney Spears. Now hire a stylist so we can pretend we don’t know you’re trailer trash!”

Seriously, how do you make so much money look so cheap?

Below, Britney fugging up NYC Monday and Tuesday and looking manly on Letterman.

*UPDATE: So true to her white-trash-on-Jerry-Springer form, she may actually take his sorry ass back if she’s just using this divorce as a threat for him to shape up.

Aw shit, they probably just finished cleaning up the mess from making baby #3. Why can’t we just live in a K-Fed-free world?!?