Nick Lachey cries about Jessica Simpson; wins “Best PR in a Celebrity Divorce Ever” sweepstakes
In a genius public relations move sure to send Joe Simpson into damage control overdrive, Nick Lachey finally spoke about his divorce from Jessica Simpson to Rolling Stone magazine.
In the tearstained, melodramatic article, Nick cries as he admits he still loves Jessica, cries some more, says he basically won’t believe or even deal with the Jessica cheating rumors, cries a little more into his wine glass, and says he’d still marry her again. Did I mention he cries? A lot? Because he does.
The best: he delivers a great stunning line that implies Joe Simpson’s influence as the ultimate cause of divorce:
“How do you know when your marriage is over? I’ll tell you how I knew my marriage was over,” he continues flatly, tugging at his black T-shirt. “I was told.”
The worst: he confirms that he is NOT asking for spousal support. Jessica will continue to be able to spend her millions on $2,000 designer bags and $300 jeans, so all will be well with her world. (Thank God, we were worried for a second…)
The awesomest: But the most unbelievable thing of all is that the public is eating this shit up!! Driven by my journalistic integrity and commitment to research the truth, I found message board after message board full with posts of the “Awww, poor Nick” and “Jessica is such a dumb slut to let him go” variety. And everyone is blaming Pervy Papa Joe Simpson regardless of their Team Lachey or Team Simpson affiliation!! It’s awesome!
I mean, it’s true that Nick was a poor schmuck to put up with Jessica’s idiocy and her father’s bullshit intrusion into their marriage; and Jessica is a stupid ho too easily distracted by fame, hot guys and other shiny things in Hollywood; and Joe Simpson admittedly is the devil, BUT all these shennanigans are unnecessary and completely besides the point.
Everyone knows that the Hollywood Cynicism Axiom clearly states: two hot people in Hollywood will both eventually cheat on each other, ultimately making marriage a temporary state.
Duh, it’s like the first thing you learn in Celebrity Physics 101. Right after learning that Papa Joe Simpson actually is the devil. See, I wasn’t making that up.
April 21st, 2006 at 2:16 am
Oh my gawd, bitches, comment on this shit. Ya know you want to! It’s messed up sheeit!!! Dayuuum!!!
April 21st, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Yeah whatevuh don’t be shit talkin my Nicky Poo, boo.
April 21st, 2006 at 2:30 pm
I like the way comments look in this theme. I think we should stick with it and modify the stuff that is uncool.
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June 18th, 2006 at 3:19 am
I do not want Nick back with that tramp, I want him fo
June 19th, 2006 at 7:19 am
Nobody wants him back with that tramp! At least I don’t. I think it won’t happen anyhow–he’s having waaaay too much fun playing with all the girls throwing themselves at him.
Serves Jessica right for being so stupid and divorcing him probably only cause her pervy dad told her to. And because she wanted to screw around with Knoxville and Adam Levine. Idiot.