Whatchoo Lookin At

Observe the Kevin Federline, loserwigger retardus, in his natural habitat, the liquor store.

See how he stalks the rows of vodka and tequila seemingly confused by the words on the labels, only to be predictably distracted by the fridge of forties, his natural dietary staple for sustenance in the wild of the suburbs, which he cannot resist.

Just kidding! You know he’s just picking up a little something special for Britney on Mother’s Day! And maybe for little Sean Preston too–do you think he’s old enough to have some Grey Goose, Kevin? Nah, you’re right, you better keep him on that Jack Daniels you’ve been putting in his bottle for a couple more months.

After showing up to the Electronic Entertainment Expo “fashionably late”, which in Paris Hilton retard-speak means an hour and a half late, she launched her new cell phone game, Jewel Jam (which was plastered all over the background right behind her), by calling it the wrong name.

“Sorry I’m late. I’m really excited to have my new video game, ‘Diamond Quest.’ Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game.”

Which brings me to the conclusion that mandatory sterilization should be put into effect immediately for intellectually challenged wastes of space like her. Seriously, if your IQ doesn’t break 100 and you continually prove you’re a dumb slut who belongs in a bike helmet and safety harness, well, sorry but it just wouldn’t be socially responsible to let you reproduce. Like Bob Barker always says: “Please, spay or neuter your idiot socialites.”

[BTW, here’s something VERY NSFW: 1 Night in Paris ]

Um. Girlfriend. Your hairpiece?

Not-so-fierce.

In fact it is so grotesque, that I demand she explain herself. Was she late somewhere? Did she let archnemesis Janice Dickinson help her glue that thing on? She can’t call herself a supermodel or be a judge of America’s Next Top Model, with this mess of congealed glue on her head.

Is it even on securely? Girl might get wig-snatched!

Keep this up and she is in serious danger of me never using the word “fierce” again. I’m serious. GONE AND DEAD from my vocabulary. And we all know what a tragic loss that would be.

Star magazine ran a poll on readers’ reactions to the Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen/Heather Locklear/Richie Sambora cheating and divorce debacle. Not surprisingly, Heather won public sympathy and Denise was perceived as the homewrecker not to be trusted, so much so that people will believe Charlie Sheen’s word is better than hers in their ugly divorce custody battle.

I say come on, people. Yes, she’s a conniving, backstabbing snake of a woman (and heavily rumored to be a former Heidi Fleiss girl–no wonder Charlie fell in love!), but Charlie Sheen, incorrigible addict that he is, is probably guilty of all the claims she leveraged against him. They’re both scum and probably neither is fit to be a good parent.

But it’s good to know people are always quick to side with a sex-addicted, drug-addled mess of a guy as soon as they find out the wife was a whore.

Which Denise probably was, and a homewrecking one at that.

But still, you know, double standards and all that.

I’m just sayin’.

It’s Friday and time for Ted Casablanca’s Blind Vice!!! [EOnline]
It’s widely rumored, or alleged (whatever keeps lawsuits at bay) that Lindsay Lohan is the hellcat Morgan Mayhem, but even if it’s not, isn’t it just as believable? I only write about her ass everyday because she manages to do something stupid EVERY DAY!

Once upon a time, there was a talented young lass by the name of Morgan Mayhem. Oh, could she act! She was such a good performer that bitchy rivals simmered with green-eyed jealousy. But one day, a big bad she-wolf in Kitson duds named Coco Cocaine came along. She seduced Morgan with her overly vibrant, come-hither eyes–prettier than Wentworth Miller’s, even–and then, suddenly, the big fat studio pigs were very, very sad.

Okay, hold on. This is Hell-Ay; the pigs aren’t heartbroken exactly. They’re just plain disgusted and scared for their precious beaucoup-bucks accounts.

Darlings, Ms. Mayhem has become the hottest li’l liability in Tinseltown.

“Studios were all but in love with her,” blabs one über-connected Armani clad producer. “But she’s so unstable that everyone’s becoming afraid to hire her. Her behavior on the set of Jump, Jive and High Five! is still talked about. She was beyond “distracted,” for myriad reasons. At this point, Armani wearer makes air quotes with his hands and rolls his eyes, sucking back the rest of an overpriced designer something or other. “And we all know what that means.”

Oy, oy, boy. I wish there were something I could do to help ol’ Morgan out. The problem is that she’s about as solid and reliable as a sponge. Stick her with serious, stable, Oscar-hoarding types, and she’ll transform into a Jodie Foster. But plop this babe in a Bel-Air frat-house crowd and, well, she’ll be first in line for body shots.

The solution is obvious. Ya stick the sponge in the desert and let it dry out.

‘Course, first, you’d have to convince her to go. Not an easy task.

Well maybe if you bait her into rehab with an eight-ball of coke?

Here’s Lindsay Morgan Lohan in happier,younger days (just 2 years ago!) Sheesh.

What in the fug is happening to Cindy Crawford? Her face looks like tanned leather! And that famous mole is not looking so sexy anymore! She’s going from hot supermodel to little old Russian lady in one of those babushka hats–and FAST!

I knew this would happen. One look at Cindy’s mom (below right) all those years ago told me to expect the Babushka effect. It was only a matter of time.

And you know who else is next? Anna Kournikova.

Mark my words, the Babushka bomb is gonna hit that girl HARD!

A girl’s gotta pay for her cocaine habit somehow, they don’t just give that shit away for free, you know. Kate has allegedly said:

“I’m going to take everyone on and I’m going to shock everyone.

“I know what works, I know what women want, and I know there is money to be made. My name is my brand and it’s going to be the biggest thing in fashion.”

A close friend told Britain’s Grazia magazine: “No contracts have been signed yet, so there is no launch date - although she is looking at getting something underway by next year. But everyone around her is being really positive about the whole thing. They think it will just grow and grow.”

Possible names being lined up for her line include ‘Kate’, ‘Mossy’ or ‘Lila Loves’ - a homage to her three-year-old daughter.

So the clothes are all gonna have a designated pocket for safekeeping your stash, right? Oh that Kate, she always thinks of everything!

[Femalefirst]

Or as he likes to call it, just another day in the life of Pimpmaster Sheen, never mind this whole messy Denise Richards divorce. Page Six reports:

The latest finger-pointer is publicity-loving pimp Jason Itzler, who says the sitcom star hired two of his hottest girls to dress up like cheerleaders and do a lesbian act.The oily owner of the New York Confidential escort service called from Rikers Island to say that in 2004, Sheen shelled out more than $20,000 for Cheryl, a blond ballerina and Juilliard grad, and Victoria, a dark-haired former Hotel Gansevoort hostess, for romps at trendy 60 Thompson in SoHo.

“They loved Charlie. They said he was a great guy, a great lover and had a big [bleep],” Itzler said from prison, where he’s cooling his heels on money-laundering and prostitution charges.

“One time, he had them dress up like cheerleaders and they chanted, ‘Charlie, Charlie, he’s our man! If he can’t do it, nobody can!’ ”

Itzler also said Sheen would play X-rated movie director, guiding Cheryl, 20, and Victoria, 19, into steamy lesbian scenes.

Of course, I wouldn’t expect anything less from a man who once admitted to blowing $50,000 on Heidi Fleiss’ high class hookers. That’s just how Charlie is: high class all the way.

Jake Gyllenhaal is going out with Olympic snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler, 25, according to Us Weekly.

The pair are so serious that Bleiler, 25, is moving from her current residence in Snowmass Village, Colorado to Los Angeles to be with Gyllenhaal.

The couple shares a love of the outdoors in common. Gyllenhaal is often seen skate-boarding, biking, and surfing.

Bleiler won the silver medal in halfpipe in 2006 and was the superpipe champion in the 2003 and 2005 Winter X Games. She was also the Vans Triple Crown of Snowboarding champion three years running from 2001 – 2003.

I’m glad to see they were so thorough in listing the athletic accomplishments required to be Jake’s girlfriend. Thanks for the tip, I’m off to practice my snowboarding and taunt Kirsten Drunkst with the news.

So how bad is it when you look like you’re at least as old as your mom? Is it worse than dating men who are your dad’s age?

These are the burning, critically important questions that Lindsay Lohan desperately needs the answers to, even if she didn’t ask.

The sick thing is that at this point, I KNOW it must be a Judds-type situation: most guys would rather do the mom.