Whatchoo Lookin At

So Sandra Dee wannabe Britney Spears up there decided to raid Laura Bush’s closet and go on Letterman to confirm the obvious news that she is indeed sperminated with another unfortunate little recipient of the worst possible combination of DNA ever.

So she’s pregnant. Fine. We all make stupid decisions all the time and she has succeeded in driving–or rather, jack-hammering– home the point that she is just like the rest of us in that respect. Point taken.

Why, however, does she feel the need to dress like a peroxide addicted 45-year-old soccer mom at 24, for God’s sake??  I bet she wears “Mom” jeans next. Hurry Britney, before that bump gets any bigger or you won’t be able to wear them hiked way up to your boobs like you’re supposed to!

Jello’s dirty laundry is being aired out in “Make Him Look Good,” a novel by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, a former entertainment reporter being called the “Latina Terry McMillan.”

The names have been changed, but EVERYTHING dangerously parallels J. Lo’s real life, from the image of “Jill Sanchez,” a diva with a “bootylicious rump” who gets caught in an nightclub shooting with her boyfriend rapper (named D-Kitty!!) down to her clothing line produced by “a team of designers who get no credit.”

Imperious, demanding and dismissive, Sanchez uses humiliation as a motivational tool on her staff. In meetings, no one is allowed to speak directly to her unless she first gives permission.

Sanchez “in her own estimation, is the sexiest, cleanest woman alive.” She’s lifted her style of pairing innocence with lust, pretending to be “surprised by her own sexy gyrations,” from Britney Spears. Botox and belly lipo are her friends.

Whenever she wants an extra media hit, she places protective hands on her belly to suggest she’s pregnant.

I’ve never heard of Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, but if that’s her real name then I suggest she change it because J.Lo is NOT going to be AT ALL pleased at being exposed for the true diva bitch she is.

I believe Whoopi Goldberg’s character from the movie Ghost said it best: “Alisa? You in danger, girl!”

[Daily Dish]

So that explains the rush to get married in a “very private” (as in only the two of them, no family or friends), barefoot quickie ceremony in Fiji this weekend.

Spelling was spotted shopping for baby things at Petit Tresor, the Los Angeles store for tykes favored by celebs including Britney Spears and Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes.

“She was looking at things like cribs in a way that made it pretty clear that she wasn’t just looking to buy things for someone else,” says the source. And another insider says, “Yeah, she’s pregnant. She’s several months along now, I believe.”

Ah, a good ol’ shotgun wedding, the oldest story in the book. I had no idea Tori was such an old-fashioned girl!

Well, congrats, Tori! Hope the little one gets his daddy’s looks and mommy’s money!

[The Scoop] 

No, she’s not getting married to her boyfriend and former co-star Ryan Gosling, despite their amazing off-the-charts chemistry in The Notebook.

Her next project is a movie called Marriage, a 1940’s-set drama about a married man who cheats; to spare his wife the shame of a divorce, he plots to kill her.

“It’s a murder romance,” said McAdams. “It’s with Chris Cooper and I play the other woman.”

Ooooh, the Anti-Notebook! Sounds intriguing.

I would love to say something vicious and snarky about her, but I just can’t. She’s gorgeous, actually seems nice, normal and genuinely in love with her man Ryan, and totally NOT caught up in any of this Hollywood BS. I almost forgot what that was like.

So you go, Rachel McAdams! Go on showcasing your acting range and your badass self! I have a feeling a little gold man named Oscar might be in your future…

Star Jones Reynolds, resident wicked witch of The View, is as good as gone, according to the New York Post’s Page Six. And Barbara Walters and Rosie O’Donnell made it happen!!

STAR Jones Reynolds has been told to hitch up her hefty wagonload of freebies and waddle off into the sunset, sources say.ABC will announce this week that the big-boned talking head is out at “The View,” a source close to the inner workings of the late-morning gabfest tells Page Six. What network brass won’t say is that she’s being unceremoniously ousted at the direct behest of the show’s grand dame Barbara Walters and the incoming Rosie O’Donnell.

“It was always Rosie’s condition of joining the show, and Barbara agreed to those conditions from the outset,” our source said. The network and Jones are now concocting a face-saving scenario in which Jones will be touted as moving on to pursue important new projects.

Bitch, please! Nobody wants your ass, the whole free world hates you! It’s true; if Barbara found you so repugnant that she had to kick you off her show, what more proof do you need?

Now, how do we go about getting Barbara Walters and Rosie O’Donnell sainted?

Katie Holmes is like, nursing. Or something. Well, that’s what Tom wants us to believe, anyway.

And NO I don’t think it’s “just an accident, it could happen to anyone” sort of thing. Please. These people KNOW they will be photographed in a resolution that makes the world intimately acquainted with each and every one of their pores, and that such pictures will be splashed across the internet and endlessly scrutinized. There are no accidents, especially in Crazy Tom Cruise World.

Unless Katie’s using the universal nursing bra flash code for “Someone please help me! Please?!? Anyone? The man is out of his fucking gourd, for chrissakes! HELP ME!!!”

Yep, the fear in her eyes tells me someone should definitely look into that, preferably sooner rather than later.

Ashlee Simpson got a new nose around April 21, says Star magazine.

See how the bump she had before (left) disappeared in the picture (right) taken this past Saturday during her performance in West Palm Beach, FL.

Her new nose looks good, but unfortunately her singing still makes most people’s ears bleed.

And as fugly as Jessica has been getting lately, Ashlee still has a lock on The Ugly Simpson Sister title! Woof!

Looks like Britney Spears just might have a stylist on her payroll once again and is actually listening to him or her. She went from this:

To this:

Her momma must be so proud, she’s even wearing shoes! Just hope she don’t start gettin’ all uppity and thinkin’ she’s better’n the rest of us unshod folk.

She was in New York for a promotional launch of her new perfume, In Control, surely to be available at your nearest Wal-Mart sooner than you can say “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, that’s what Britney Spears smells like!”

I know. The immediate question that pops into everyone’s mind is, why? The answer is I don’t know. She may possibly be insane, but more likely is just doing some promotional bit for her struggling singing career.
I know she’s sweet and cute and all, but girl better not roll up into any real ‘hood like that if she wants to keep her ridonkulous grill or her real teeth, for that matter. Mean hoodrat bitches don’t play!

From L to R: Roselyn Sanchez, Carmen Electra, Eva Longoria, Paulina Rubio and Constance Marie at the ALMA Awards.

The ALMA Awards are held by the National Council of La Raza (NCLR), and honors outstanding Latino artistic achievement in television, as well as positive portrayals of Hispanics.

With so much T&A, not to mention sequins and spangles, The ALMA Awards had men everywhere-straight and gay alike–wondering why they didn’t know about this in advance so they could TiVo it and score some free soft core porn.

It was filmed last night in LA, but will run on ABC June 5, so all fabulous gays and straight pervs across America can breathe a sigh of relief: you can still TiVo it till you’re blue in the face.

Below, Carmen Electra (yeah, didn’t know she was Hispanic either), Paulina Rubio and Eva Longoria.