Whatchoo Lookin At

Tori Spelling and Canadian actor Dean McDermott got married Sunday on a private island in Fiji, according to PEOPLE.

Spelling, 32, and McDermott, 39, met last summer in Ottawa while filming the TV movie Mind Over Murder. At the time, she was wed to actor-writer Charlie Shanian, and McDermott was married to his wife of 12 years, Mary Jo Eustace.Adds her new husband, “I’ve never had as much of a desire to get married and make a woman my wife as I’ve had with her. The feeling is overwhelming. We’re soul mates.”

I’m sure both their ex-spouses appreciate that sentiment. Besides, what could possibly go wrong with a union so blessed that the guy tattoos this on his arm?

In absolutely shocking news, The Sunday Mirror confirms what the world thought all along: Britney Spears is a childish and spoiled moron who can’t act her way out of a paper bag, according to her own acting coach!

The acting coach, who has worked with some of the biggest stars in Hollywood, said: “Britney is an untalented, self-focused wannabe.”

“Britney’s no better or worse than any newcomer to acting,” said the coach, who has asked not to be named.

“The big difference is, she’s into shortcuts. She kept telling me to skip elements of the course she believed weren’t necessary.

“It was clear she really hadn’t understood the concept of any of them. She came across as a spoilt child in the body of a young woman, who’s not used to being told no.”

“I can imagine her ruining a televised drama by suddenly staring straight into camera and either winking, shaking her boobs or blowing a bubble of gum. But not all at the same time that would be asking far too much of her.”

Hey, in Britney’s defense, she was really good on SNL in that one skit where she played a stupid white ghetto-talking singer in a girl trio called Gemini, remember!?–what do you mean it’s not acting if you just act like yourself?

Here’s B laughing all the way to the bank in pics from the photoshoot for British Glamour, which favors weird images with mouse ears (yes, she was a mouseketeer, CLEVER!), pimp rancher hats and that chic, heroin-addled raccoon look.

Jessica Simpson is leading a one-woman brigade to make orange the latest, sexiest trend. Let’s see:

• Badly permed orange librarian hair?–Check!
• Obnoxious oompa-loompa shade of fake tan?–Check!
• Ill-fitting creamsicle colored dress that looks like it’s strangling her boobs and crushing her ribs?-Check!

Oh Jessica, whoever is telling you this looks good just HATES you and must delight in making you look like an ugly Orangutan. What? Ashlee said the dress looked “totally awesome” on you and recommended Autumn Sunrise as a “bitching” haircolor?Sigh.I guess it’s not your fault you aren’t the sharpest knife in the Simpson drawer. At least you’re still prett–oh, wait.

*update: it’s actually a wig from a new line she is endorsing, which is actually good news for clowns looking for a change from Ronald McDonald Red.

**2nd update: WTF is going on with the torpedo/pendulous tribal boob here!??!? It looks like it’s in a sling! Does anybody know CPR for boobs, cause those puppies might not make it!

Anna Nicole Smith, 38, is reportedly pregnant and “conceived with the help of a friend,” according to the New York Daily News.

“Anna’s freaking out because she got pregnant by this guy, who’s now saying, ‘I want money and access to the kid.’”

So basically she got pregnant from a random one-night stand because nobody told her the TrimSpa pills didn’t double as birth-control pills, and now the guy is turning out to be a disciple of Kevin Federline. No wait, what am I saying? Kevin would never ask for access to the kid because “babies ain’t thug or hard core enough, plus they can’t pay my bills. Yet.”

*update: It seems the father is freelance entertainment reporter/photographer Larry Birkhead, 31. I was way wrong, he is no Kevin Federline: he has a job.

Ever since he lost his goddamned mind drunk on power and decided to change Katie-I-sold-my-soul Holmes’ name to the more mature and womanly “Kate,” I’ve been hellbent on a new mission: to track his ass down and yell “KATIE! KATIE! KATIEEEE!!!!” in his face at the top of my lungs just to piss him off and see if his head explodes at being contradicted and disobeyed.

But he’d probably just be lame and call me “glib.” Or have me killed. Either way, it would be SOOO worth it.

Here’s KATIE fulfilling her contractual obligation kissing him (ew!) and pretending to be excited at his stupid LA premiere of Mission Impossible: III. Yeah, I’m gonna go see it, so?

One more question: do you think they know they look like a Vegas tranny and a crazy millionaire dwarf from the back?

I’m not sure why Jessica Simpson is looking like a panic-stricken deer right before its final confrontation with a Mack truck, but I do know that the look, complete with teased hair in the washed out shade of Nice ‘n Easy #367 Trailer Trash Blond, does NOT become her.

I suspect it all started with her mystefying decision to appear in public in a bathrobe a few weeks back, erroneously thinking that a Louis Vuitton bag would class the whole thing up.

Well, you better back up, missy, cause there’s only room for one White Trash Princess in Hollywood, and Britney Jean Spears will fight to the death–in mud or Crisco if necessary–to keep her title!!

Lindsay Lohan was reportedly whoring it up with Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, immediately after the two had publicly split, according to Life & Style magazine.

Just hours after Hilton recently left the U.S. for Australia, Niarchos was spotted “sipping cocktails and dirty dancing” at L.A. club Element with Lohan.

“Lindsay was all over Stavros,” a bartender told the mag. “At one point, he had his hand up her skirt!” Three days later, Stavros was reportedly seen leaving Lohan’s room at the Chateau Marmont.

Is there some sort of Celebrity Tramp-Off going on between these two that nobody told me about? Is there some sort of bonus for bedding ugly Greek shipping heirs?

I don’t know, but something tells me it will end in a blaze of tears, a coke-fueled, furious round of bitch-slapping, a heap of extensions torn out in fits of rage and a vat of Astroglide. But that’s just what happened when I stole my archnemesis’ Greek shipping heir ex-boyfriend, so what do I know?

[BTW, here’s something VERY NSFW: 1 Night in Paris ]

In another example of the ridiculous trash spewed from Paris Hilton’s mouth, as reported by the New York Post’s Page Six:

Paris Hilton is deeply religious, she tells Michael Musto for an Out magazine cover story. “I’m Catholic. Of course, they’re not going to run pictures of me in church,” she said.

Yeah, but that’s only because the Catholic church generally doesn’t want to associate itself with a walking library of STD’s. Someone should explain to Paris that just because she spends so much time on her knees does not make her religious. Unless of course, herpes was a religion, in which case she would definitely be the patron saint: Our Lady of Holy Outbreaks.

[BTW, here’s something VERY NSFW: 1 Night in Paris ]

Los Angeles hip hop radio station Power 106 had Kevin Federline on their show for an interview with a “Hat of Forbidden Questions.” (Fitting, since that sounds just as douchey as he is.)

- “If you were on a raft in the middle of the ocean and both Britney and Sean Preston were in the water and you could only save one, which would it be?”
- (No hesitation) Sean P, baby.

-”Who was better in bed, Britney Spears or Shar Jackson?”
-(LONG hesitation with hooting and hollering before he finally replies) My wife.

-”If Britney Spears gave you a pass for a threesome, who would it be?
-The girl from Sin City…Jessica Alba.

Riiiiiight… I hereby move to pass a law that says he should be mercilessly kicked in those hyperactive babymakers by any civic-minded citizen for reaching new mind-boggling levels of douche-baggery. Cause I’m all about civic duty, not to mention my rigid stance against douche-baggery. But mostly I just want to destroy his babymakers.

Welcome to the club, Barbara! Page Six has reported that now that Rosie O’Donnell has been named to replace Meredith Vieira on The View, Star is planning on making an exit because she wanted to take Meredith’s place as the moderator of the group.

–but grande dame Barbara Walters wasn’t going to let that happen.
“You can’t even mention Star’s name around Barbara,” said our source. “She hates her. Really can’t stand her.”
Walters gave some noticeably cool remarks to the Times yesterday about past bitterness between Jones and O’Donnell.
“The only concern would be Star’s,” said Walters. “If Star wants to continue to be there, she is welcome.”
O’Donnell is good pals with Jones’ “View” nemesis, Joy Behar. Spies say Jones’ agent is calling around now.
“Until she leaves, it will be must-see TV,” said an insider. “Imagine Rosie and Star going at it every day! Fabulous!”

Let me take the opportunity to join Barbara in what she really meant to say to Star: “Good riddance & don’t let the door hit your deflated ass on the way out!!!”

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