Whatchoo Lookin At

Mary Kate Olsen attended the Met Costume Institute Benefit Gala, which I have never heard of either, but apparently it has a rule that all attendees must wear their creepiest, Gothiest black outfit in a contest to see who can best scare the bejesus out of the general public.

I dare say our sweet little Mary Kate has won this one. Well played, Mary Kate, well played.

But why won’t she stop looking at the cameras like that? Doesn’t she know she’s already made me piss myself with fear and is making my heart freeze in abject terror with those voodoo thoughts she’s thinking?

And those eyes…WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER EYES?!?? OH DEAR SWEET JESUS PLEASE SAVE US ALL!!!!!

Alexis Bledel, 24, is the star of WB’s Gilmore Girls, and is usually the picture of stunning, youthfully ethereal beauty, as evidenced here:

So naturally, I was startled when I came across a picture of a disheveled raccoon with crazy hair and that rabid look in the eyes, and it claimed to be the same Alexis Bledel at the premiere of the movie I’m Reed Fish:

Listen, just because Lindsay Lohan is showing up to events looking like a deranged orange-faced clown who has just really pissed off her makeup artist and who has lost many a battle with her hair brush and curling iron DOES NOT make it look any better, trust me.

You, unlike Hohan, have real, fresh-faced, traffic-stopping beauty that radiates from within (probably because you still have a soul and don’t snort everything that isn’t nailed down), the kind that would have launched major land wars back in the day. You are too pretty to end up looking like this raccoon creature before me!

So check the mirror, brush your hair, get third and fourth opinions–do whatever you have to do, but don’t let this happen again. We’re letting you off with a warning this time. Have a nice day.

Paris Hilton is so full of herself that she had a wall-sized portrait of herself put in the “sumptuous lounge” of the new Hollywood Hills house she just bought, according to Hello! magazine. Plus, other people who were at her house for that recent party involving an unfortunate stripper pole incident have reported that she has pictures of herself in many more rooms, not just one!

Seriously, who does that!?!??!? How insane and self-involved is this ho?
Here’s the rest of the house, which I hate to admit is kinda nice. Bitch.

The closet looks like what would happen if you were to give a 1970’s coked-up hooker an unlimited budget: all mirrors and skanky clothes on plastic hangers.

Why so many reflective surfaces on the bed? Duh, so she can pretend she’s having sex with herself!

This reminds me of Tony Montana’s house, how he had his initials built into everything in his house, you know all tacky and shit.

[BTW, here’s something VERY NSFW: 1 Night in Paris ]

Britney Spears has everyone on the edge of their seats, anticipating her official pregnancy confirmation and a split from the Federjerk:

Britney Spears will hold a press conference on May 4th at the LA Convention Centre for record executives and exclusive selected media. Sources say Britney will annouce her pregnancy officially and relationship status with current husband Kevin Federline, 28; the couple haven’t been seen together for weeks.

“Britney hasn’t held a press conference in so long that we know its something big, pregnancy, a split, we’re not sure” says Karen Phillips from Sony/BMG. Pictures have recently surfaced of Britney in a red bikini showing a round stomach that is definitley bigger than before. Spears who has been keeping quiet and when going out wearing large flowing dresses and tops to hide her stomach will face a huge media flock if a split or pregnancy is announced. Spears and Federline tied the knot in September 2004 and have already one child together Sean who is close to 8 months old.

Hmm. I, for one, will be tremendously impressed if she manages to fight the white trash urge to stay with her deadbeat mooch of a man, especially if she’s knocked up with another of his kids. Cause everybody knows that having another baby saves marriages, y’all!

That ostrich wants its feathers back, ASAP!

And WHY is that camera pointing straight at Gisele Bundchen’s crotch?

Dolce! Gabbana! You two are on an official fashion time out so you can think about the atrocities you’ve committed against ostriches and cameras in the name of “fashion!”

Straight to your rooms, misters! And this time I better not catch you playing with glitter or calling Naomi Campbell on your cell! I mean it!!

Just kidding, I’m not sure what her tour is really called and I don’t care, but she sure does look pouty and unhappy in these pics of her walking around in the UK where she’s touring.

Aww, whatsa matter, Hil? Did someone just call you horsey-face or chiclet-teeth again? Outta blow Ice Breakers Ice Cube gum? Did someone just force you to listen to your own CD? You can tell me!

Oh, I just hate seeing you like this! Come on, let’s go find some pics on the internet of Lindsay Lohan making an ass of herself…

See, I knew that would perk you right up!

Hey, at least she’s wearing some, and that alone puts her light years ahead of Paris Hilton in the class department. Then again, judging by the looks of her cesspool of a boyfriend/smooching partner/whatever Cisco Adler, she probably has twice the herpes as Paris. And possibly crabs. Too bad, she seemed like such a nice girl.

Here she is at some restaurant multi-tasking: showing off her underwear (and fug shoes but cute dress), eating, kissing her nasty-ass boyfriend, and her dog.

Or maybe technically three words, but whatever, the feeling remains the same: Oh, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOO!!!

This white nightie and black leggings are a world of NO, a match made in fug fashion hell! And what is up with that chain across her chest? It’s not a purse, since that huge-ass hobo bag/bowling ball bag is weighing her entire right side down because it’s bigger than her!

Get this delusional bitch to a stylist, quick! I think she fancies herself such a fashionista that she doesn’t need a stylist, but in reality looks like she gets dressed in the dark. She has gone from slightly fashion-unhinged to full blown fashion-deranged. In all manner and in every sense of the word, “help,” this poor girl needs it.

Latest Las Vegas gossip has it that Britney and Kevin had a huge embarrassingly loud and public fight last Friday in a restaurant, right before a scheduled listening party at Pure nightclub for Kevin’s new album.

“It was a full-blown war of words that got louder and more heated as dinner went on,” said eyewitnesses.

Finally, Britney ran out of the restaurant “shaking and in tears,” and spent the entire night in her hotel room, skipping her scheduled appearance at Kevin’s listening party. Kevin, however, partied at Pure till it closed early the next morning.

Supposedly, the fight was about Kevin’s concern that she would overshadow him on the red carpet for his party, according to the Las Vegas Review Journal.

Can you believe this ungrateful, rat-faced, ragamuffin, wannabe-white-rapper bitch?

Someone needs to school him on the rules of being a kept man. Namely, learn your role: keep your mouth shut and look pretty…well okay, in his case that’s not really possible but just keeping his mouth shut and not pissing off his meal ticket would be huge improvement for this asshole.

And Britney just needs to learn the finer points of delivering a good, square, swift kick in the nuts whenever this jackass decides to get lippy.

The bill for my proven marriage counseling services will be in the mail, Britney.

Here he is, after making Britney cry but before getting his drank on and closing down Pure.

Okay, how about three times?

Yeah, I should have warned you, just in case you were eating or something. Sorry.

Finally, here’s Hohan NOT GIVING UP on her “Hand-behind-the-head” glamour pose. She’s determined to make this asinine pose catch on if it kills her, dammit!!! Now that’s suffering for your art.