Whatchoo Lookin At

Gwen Stefani is quite possibly the most beautifully radiant and stylish pregnant woman in the world, even in this bizarre, banana yellow kimono-like dress.

How the hell does this woman manage to look so gorgeous when she’s so dangerously-about-to-pop pregnant?!? Not fair! I could never look that good, and I’m not even pregnant, I double-checked.

Here she is looking for sari material, surely so she can fashion her own crazy-awesome maternity wear. I think if we let her, she alone can end the frumpiness of maternity clothes forever, and make pregnant the next new sexy look.

Just wait till Hohan jumps on that bandwagon…

In another sure sign that there is no God, the reigning queen of skanks Paris Hilton cheated death in a near electrocution accident.

Drunk as a skunk–is she ever not?–she jumped into the pool at a party and then a garden light fell into the pool, which should have fried her ass, but nooooo. What’s more is her boyfriend Stavros Niarchos (presumably also wasted), jumps in to save her, but only managed to accidentally bonk her on the head instead.

So everyone is freaking out, because by all accounts she should be dead at this point, but this drunk bitch just laughs it off, climbs out of the pool unscathed, AND THEN PROCEEDS TO DANCE ON A STRIPPER POLE FOR EVERYONE!!!

I think it’s time to rewrite the Bible and add this bitch as one of the plagues or add her as the fifth horseskank of the apocalypse or something, because clearly she’s an unholy force that WILL NEVER DIE!!!!

[BTW, here’s something VERY NSFW: 1 Night in Paris ]

In a genius public relations move sure to send Joe Simpson into damage control overdrive, Nick Lachey finally spoke about his divorce from Jessica Simpson to Rolling Stone magazine.

In the tearstained, melodramatic article, Nick cries as he admits he still loves Jessica, cries some more, says he basically won’t believe or even deal with the Jessica cheating rumors, cries a little more into his wine glass, and says he’d still marry her again. Did I mention he cries? A lot? Because he does.

The best: he delivers a great stunning line that implies Joe Simpson’s influence as the ultimate cause of divorce:

“How do you know when your marriage is over? I’ll tell you how I knew my marriage was over,” he continues flatly, tugging at his black T-shirt. “I was told.”

The worst: he confirms that he is NOT asking for spousal support. Jessica will continue to be able to spend her millions on $2,000 designer bags and $300 jeans, so all will be well with her world. (Thank God, we were worried for a second…)

The awesomest: But the most unbelievable thing of all is that the public is eating this shit up!! Driven by my journalistic integrity and commitment to research the truth, I found message board after message board full with posts of the “Awww, poor Nick” and “Jessica is such a dumb slut to let him go” variety. And everyone is blaming Pervy Papa Joe Simpson regardless of their Team Lachey or Team Simpson affiliation!! It’s awesome!

I mean, it’s true that Nick was a poor schmuck to put up with Jessica’s idiocy and her father’s bullshit intrusion into their marriage; and Jessica is a stupid ho too easily distracted by fame, hot guys and other shiny things in Hollywood; and Joe Simpson admittedly is the devil, BUT all these shennanigans are unnecessary and completely besides the point.

Everyone knows that the Hollywood Cynicism Axiom clearly states: two hot people in Hollywood will both eventually cheat on each other, ultimately making marriage a temporary state.

Duh, it’s like the first thing you learn in Celebrity Physics 101. Right after learning that Papa Joe Simpson actually is the devil. See, I wasn’t making that up.

Okay, I want some of the drugs Lindsay Lohan is on. Because seriously:

WTF is she thinking? Behold, Lindsay’s internal monologue:
“I’m going to be so cutting edge if I invent a new pose. It will be, like, so avante garde, or whatever Marc Jacobs said at lunch the other day, AND NOT AWKWARD-LOOKING AT ALL, and everyone will start doing it–even that bitch Paris, God I hate her–and it will be, like, the new thing in fashion. And then they’ll just have to give me a modeling contract to be the new face of a fancy couture house, and I won’t have to beg Louis Vuitton to be in their ad campaign or hang out with Kate Moss in a desperate attempt to convince people I belong in the modeling world, cause I’ll be, like, a FASHION GENIUS!!!”

And I agree with her, because, you know, it takes a fashion genius to wear a toga-styled bedsheet like a dress just cause some gay designer told you it was couture and fabulous and, like, reeeeeeeeally expensive.

Now, like I was saying before, stop being selfish and share the drugs, Lindsay!!

Lindsay Lohan was recently hanging out with her 11-year-old sister Aliana and passing on the fashion evils of leggings and tapered jeans.

Um, I hate saying mean things about children (okay, that’s a lie, I do it with glee), but what an unfortunate-looking little girl. Homely, even. I’d add some more jokes about her hitting every branch as she fell out of the ugly tree, but I think you get what I’m trying to say.

On the upside, I guess we’ll know in a few years whether or not she inherited the skank gene so fully expressed by her older sister. Or who knows, maybe it will only be a matter of months–these kids just grow up so darned fast!

Katie Holmes may be looking dejected, feeling a little lost, and starting to wonder just what the hell she’s gotten herself into, but she is NOT letting her ginormous belly get in the way of shopping for some bitching high heels, a must for every pregnant woman in her 16th month.

Way to spend that “rumored” $5 million, Katie. And just think, only 4 more years to go before your “alleged” contract is up with He Who Must Not Be Named [Tom Cruise; yeah, cause I ain’t skeered], and then you can actually wear those high heels! See, this is turning out WAY more awesome than you thought it would!!

America’s jiggliest sweetheart Jessica Simpson got back to Los Angeles this week from Sydney, Australia where her sister Ashlee underwhelmed Australians with her amazing lack of talent hosted the MTV Video Awards.

Hmm, that reminds me: I think I want some milk.

In things totally newsworthy, Hohan has returned to her red roots after learning her black hair made her look like a strung-out, homely version of Morticia Addams. In addition to being the only hair color that she can get away with, it makes more sense, since you know what they say about redheads: Red in the head, major raging whore in whoever’s bed she happens to end up in after a night of drinking, dancing and doing drugs with your mom…

What, like you’ve never heard of that one?

I know, I know, there is a lot of wtf-ness going on here. But wait a minute, now, people and take a closer look:

She looks like she’s lost weight, her hat is cute, and more importantly, she’s smiling and looks happy. That’s enough to make me forget the funked up, homage-to-Boy-George braids and the unfortunate matching wife beaters. Enough to make me suspect she may have showered this time….

No wait, I take back the shower part. But still, the frumpy shapeless baglady coat notwithstanding, it’s a little better than what we’ve come to expect from Britney.

And since I said I was trying to be nice, no comment on K-Fug.

Oops.

Well, it would put me to sleep if her voice wasn’t so cringe-inducing or if the lyrics didn’t sound like they were taken straight from a 14-year-old’s journal.Britney Spears has been at work in the studio and has released a 50-second clip of a new song:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=GCVUCL9Z

Not great, standard typical *boring* “ballad”. Should fire that songwriter immediately.

And you know what really gets my goat? I hate Britney with the burning intensity of a thousand STD’s, but have you ever heard those clips of her singing as a little girl, maybe 5, 6, 7 years old? (I think it was on VH1 Driven or some shit) She was actually GOOD then, had a strong soulful singing voice, a bit like Aguilera. She had it, she just chose not to use it or develop it in favor of shaking her tits and ass instead. Good business move as long as she kept that tight size 0 body.

But now what??

Methinks it’s time to wise up, take a page out of Madonna’s book and take serious voice lessons now so she can have something to fall back on when she can no longer suppress her fat genes in a couple years…