Whatchoo Lookin At

Naomi Campbell was arrested Wednesday for assault AGAIN, this time for attacking a woman in London who was her drug counsellor and badly scratching her “all over the face.”

This is the latest installment in the long line of assaults on her employees with her weapon of choice: cellphones. The Daily Dish reports on Naomi’s existing, ever-growing rap sheet:

Campbell is facing an assault charge in Manhattan for allegedly smashing a jeweled cell phone into Ana Scolavino’s head last March because the hapless maid couldn’t locate a pair of jeans.

In 2000, Campbell pleaded guilty in a Canadian court to grabbing another assistant by the throat and hitting her on the head with a telephone.

In June, her ex-maid Gaby Gibson of Queens filed suit claiming Campbell whacked her in the head with a cell phone on Jan. 17.

In July, yet another former assistant, Amanda Brack, filed suit, contending Campbell spat in her face, beat her bloody with a BlackBerry and flung her passport into a pool.

At this point, a tranquilizer dart gun and a tazer should be standard issue for taking a job with Naomi Campbell. Bitch is crazy, and she is no joke! When she finally goes to jail, you know all the hardcore inmates are gonna be pissing themselves with fear and giving her all their cigarettes so that they might live to see another day. They better hope she never gets her hands on a cellphone in there!

I didn’t know they still had masked balls anywhere, but the theme of this one seemed to be “Fugging Up Otherwise Elegant Evening Wear.” I don’t know who that fashionista is up there, but that thing looks like gold and silver are in a violent race to attack her face.

Witness Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. She half-asses it with a half-mask that makes her look even sulkier, and somehow Pete looks asian. At least he kept his bodily fluids to himself and that’s always good, I guess.

*UPDATE: The bigger scandal (and bigger picture below) is that Kate is supposedly pregnant and freely boozing it up. Also that you can see her Hanes underwear through that hideous gown. Like I always say, Klassy with a capital “K.”

Eek! Didn’t Jerry Hall know the masks weren’t supposed to be scary—oh wait, that’s just her face. My bad.

And her daughter Liz Jagger just decided to do an exercise in supreme fug with Criminally Insane Harlequin Chic.

Then there’s Gisele Bundchen, who just looks like she reeeeally needs some sleep, a good meal, maybe some nice clean clothes—and to give up the dumpster-diving.

Really the only one who managed to escape the fug was Scarlett Johansson in a simple black mask, cute black dress and an elegant updo.

Well played, Miss Johansson, well played. *Golf clap!*

Poor kid. As if being the offspring of the two dimmest bulbs in America isn’t bad enough.

TMZ.com must have, like, real reporters or something because they actually dug up a copy of Britney Spears’ and Kevin Federline’s second child’s birth certificate. The document confirms that it is a boy and his name is Jayden James. It also confirms that Kevin Federline can’t sign his own name in cursive and is probably barely literate just like we all thought.

I love it because this discovery completely ruins the already half-baked publicity plan Britney had going by keeping it a secret to heighten interest in her and in K-Fed’s album debut around Halloween. Oh Britney. At least you never have to worry about MENSA knocking down your door.

Now that the father of Madonna’s adoptee-in-progress David Banda has changed his tune, Madonna is set to go on Oprah, according to People.com.

On Sunday, the child’s father, Yohane Banda, 32, told the AP he didn’t realize Madonna had intended to take the toddler “for good” when he agreed to the adoption.

“Our understanding was that they would educate and take care of our son just as they were doing at the orphanage,” Banda said. “I am just realizing now the meaning of adoption.” David’s mother died a week after he was born, and Banda gave him to the orphanage because he was unable to care for him.

Still, a week earlier Banda had spoken out against human rights groups trying to halt the adoption, telling PEOPLE, “As David’s father I have no problem (with the adoption), so what is their concern?”

Apparently, people’s concern was that Madge’s need to jump on the Brangelina adoption bandwagon was taking precedence over the child’s best interests, that’s all. In response, she issued the following statement to People magazine:

“I expect to be given a hard time about many of the things I do. I know they are provocative and I prepare myself, but I did not expect the media, the government or any human rights organizations to take a stand against me trying to save a child’s life.”

She knows everyone thinks she’s a self-centered, publicity-loving, cold and calculating, manipulative shrew!

But really, why is is that everytime a celebrity gets criticized or caught doing something wrong or stupid, they have to go whine to Oprah about it? And people just eat that shit up? I mean, Oprah’s questions are about as hard-hitting as a basket of puppies. Then again, Oprah does have about 99.8% of middle-America hypnotized into agreeing with whatever she says. The episode will tape on Tuesday and run on Wednesday, so if I start with any Madonna-loving posts on Thursday, you’ll know what’s up.

Allure magazine thankfully undid what Esquire magazine’s attempt at nouveau artsy celebration of trailer trash culture did to poor Scarlett Johansson. Here’s Scarlett looking more like her rightfully sexy, sensuous self and less like Britney Spears’ retarded cousin. Take note, Esquire, boobies and doggies are what successful photoshoots are all about.

It’s been nice, if a bit boring, being Britney-free since she popped out her second kid and went into hiding to lose her pregnancy bloat. (It’s good to see her “rumored” lipo and tummy tuck went well and that those bra-less boobs are pendulous as ever!)

But now several yawn-worthy stories are claiming that the kid may not be a boy named Sutton Pierce as was previously reported, because neither Britney nor K-Fed had confirmed anything to the press. Gatecrasher reports K-Fed’s mom has been calling the kid Jayden James.

Still other reports from X17online.com say that the baby may be a girl because they caught Britney’s bodyguards shopping for little girl’s clothes at Malibu’s Planet Blue.

I have a feeling that this is a result of Britney’s genius decision to fire her publicist and take control of her own PR. Nice try, Britney, but guess what? We don’t really care if you had a hermaphrodite and named it Cheeto Redbull Federline–actually, I’m lying, that would be pretty cool…

Bottom line is that you’re sharp as a marble and your little publicity stunt isn’t at all clever and stealthy like you think it is, it’s just plain retarded. Hire your publicist back and listen to her!

Forget loyalty, life-long friendship, or actually even liking each other–it’s a common love of table-top skanking dancing that keeps Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton BFF’s. Any girl knows it’s an unbreakable bond, really. And to me, it just proves that their whole BFF’s again thing is SO not a publicity stunt to promote their upcoming fifth season of The Simple Life. That’s, like, blasphemy, or whatever, to even suggest they could be so cold and calculating and stuff. Like, WHATEVER.

And as a side note, isn’t it always great to be able to confirm that Nicole is a fan of wearing underwear? Of course it is.

Hey, look who decided to stop snorting things so she can look normal and female for a couple of days! Well okay, as normal as you can look with those bug-eye sunglasses. I know I love to pick on her, and to be fair, she gives me plenty to work with, but she actually cleans up pretty cute!

So she looks a little insect-y, it’s still a vast improvement from looking like your own drag impersonator. That’s our cute, blonde, Electra-complexed, creepy-daddy’s girl we’ve come to know and love, and love to hate!

Why anyone would want to be on Skank Queen Extraordinaire Paris Hilton’s friends list is beyond me (guaranteed naked pictures of her nasty flappy ass?) But people who were on her myspace friends list got a cheeky, frustrating spam and were plenty pissed, according to MSNBC’s The Scoop:

Several furious sources who are on the list of the heiress’ friends via her MySpace account say they received emails supposedly from Hilton telling them that they’d won an expense-paid trip to meet her. When the “friends” clicked on the e-mail, they were taken to another screen, telling them, “Hurry! Only twenty prizes left.”

They were then forwarded to a series of pop-up messages and questionnaires asking them to buy products and requesting them to supply personal information.

If the “friend” refuses to supply the info, the screen freezes, says one angry source. If however, the information is supplied, a message appears, saying, “Thank you for signing up for our offers, but all the prizes are gone. Your email is now on a spam list and you win nothing!”

“The survey takes forever to fill out!” fumes one source. “I sure hope Paris is treating her best-friend-again Nicole Richie better than her MySpace friends.”

But Hilton’s spokesman assures The Scoop that the heiress had nothing to do with the emails and that someone must have somehow gotten hold of her friends list.

What did they expect, didn’t they know that being “friends” with Paris Hilton automatically involves getting screwed and infected with a virus in one form or another? I’m sure by now her STD’s have evolved to where they can transmit themselves over email. They should consider themselves lucky they don’t need penicillin afterwards.

Oh my God, y’all. Somewhere in Malibu Britney’s having the last gum-smacking laugh at everyone who mocked her white trash style. Now her revenge is complete. Behold the glamorization of slack-jawed yokels: it’s Trailer Trash Chic.

Esquire magazine has named Scarlett Johansson The Sexiest Woman Alive and then trashed her up in this decidedly unfabulous photo shoot. They’ve already got the classic “shaving my legs in the kitchen sink” shot and her on all fours sticking her ass out of the fridge. All that’s missing is a shot of her in daisy duke shorts hosing down a car up on cinder blocks, with a cigarette dangling precariously from her mouth and a baby on her hip.

The visible red bra strap, endearing hallmark of true trailer trash everywhere.

Proof that kitchen sink leg-shaving and crotch shots are classy if they’re in black & white.

“Bay-beee!!! Didja hide mah Cheetos in the fridge again?”

“Thass okay, I found a clean piece of Spam. I think.”

The rest of the photoshoot, in all its trashtastic, extra-chromosomal, OMG-WTF glory: