Whatchoo Lookin At

Somewhere in hell, Satan is giddily fluffing up pillows and getting out the good china in anticipation for his long-lost love O.J. Simpson’s arrival.

The National Enquirer reports that O.J. will be paid $3.5 million for writing the book “If I Did It,” which details the 1994 double murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. Simpson was infamously acquitted of the murders in criminal court, but was found liable in the wrongful death suit brought by the Goldman and Brown families in civil court and still owes them $33.5 million.

The early part of the book tells how Simpson fell in love with Nicole and how the marriage collapsed, reports the tab. He goes on, according to the article, to describe in gruesome detail the killing of his ex-wife and Goldman; he stipulates that the murder scenes are “hypothetical.” But, notes the tab, the descriptions are “so detailed and so chillingly realistic” that readers are left with little doubt as to what really happened.

Simpson can never be retried for the murders because of double jeopardy laws, according to the Enquirer, which also claims that Simpson aims to keep any book money instead of paying it out in a civil suit judgment against him by spending it all quickly.

He should spend some of it sprucing up the special place in hell reserved for vile, soulless people like him. Maybe some snazzy velvet curtains or some nice ice sculptures or something. Oh, and O.J., Satan said to call if you’re gonna be late for dinner, you know he hates that and you know how he gets!

Mexican singer-songwriter Julieta Venegas recently won the best singer award at the MTV Latin Music Awards in Mexico City. She won a 2004 Latin Grammy for best vocal rock album, and she already has 4 nominations for this year’s Latin Grammy’s. Basically, bitch is hot, and her songs are even hotter. Her latest song, “Me Voy” (”I’m Leaving”) is so damn catchy I can’t get it out of my head. So is the video, click below to check it out on Youtube.com.

Who knew accordion music could rock? Leave it to a Mexican girl (represent!) from Tijuana. She even rocks the thing onstage:

Yeah, you know she’s doing her mami proud! This practically makes up for the embarrassment that Eva Longoria brings to the Mexican people. By the way, we officially disown Eva Longoria as a Mexican. We all decided yesterday while eating burritos at the meeting after the siesta and before the Mexican hat dance.

Well, at least the obvious doesn’t escape her: She knows that her and her wonky eye will make a piece of crap movie even crappier. But props to Page Six for continuing to call her a “celebutard”:

PARIS Hilton is desperately trying to distance herself from yet another movie fiasco.

The celebutard - whose screen credits include the self-made porno flick “One Night in Paris” and the box-office bomb “House of Wax” - starred in National Lampoon’s “Pledge This,” which was set for a release earlier this month.

According to one insider, “The premiere was supposed to have been on Oct. 11 in Chicago, but Paris called at the last minute and canceled, claiming she had to promote her album. The producers didn’t want to have the premiere without her because she’s the biggest star in the movie, which also features Simon Rex and Randy Spelling, so they rescheduled for Oct. 28.”

But now Hilton has told the producers she won’t likely be attending then, either.

“The movie is horrific,” said our source. “It is a limited release that will likely go straight to video. Paris doesn’t really want to be associated with it. Her movie career is not exactly booming, and she needs to not be seen as a flop. Also, the movie has a lot of topless women in it, and she is trying to distance herself from the whole porn thing.”

Distance herself from the whole porn thing? Isn’t that like water trying to distance itself from the whole “wet” thing? If she’s trying not to be seen as a flop, she’s attempting the impossible: she’s sucked at everything she’s ever tried, be it acting, singing, dancing or even modeling with her googley eye. Sucking is all she knows how to do.

Well, that’s not true: I’ve seen her sex tape, and she can’t even do that right.

Page Six reports:

TYRA Banks has advised her porn-star lookalike, Tyra Banxxx, to quit the business and find a more respectable job. But her campaign backfired. Banxxx just shot a new hard-core video that cheekily parodies Banks called “America’s Next Top Porn Model,” in which women compete by performing sex acts. Banxxx tells avn.com, “I love this business and I’m not going to leave it, and I’m not going to change my name.”

Seems Ms. Banxxx reneged on a promise she made to Tyra when she was on the Tyra Banks show. Basically Fierce Tyra strongarmed Porn Tyra on national TV to quit porn (and most importantly, quit using her name), saying she’d help pay for her to go to cosmetology school and find another career. Of course, as soon as the TV show was over, Porn Tyra changed her mind and went right ahead doing porn.

Duh, of course she’s going to choose porn over beauty school–it’s more lucrative and requires less work! Not that I really think Fierce Tyra has much to worry about, given Porn Tyra’s busted looks and modest cup size, she doesn’t even really look that much like her! Let the girl have her 15 minutes, don’t you know it’s hard out there for fug porn stars? Damn!

UPDATE: The director of Tyra Banxxx’s new porn “America’s Next Top Model” calls Fierce Tyra out on her hypocrisy: “I find it funny that a beautiful girl like Tyra Banks who made her career by walking the runways showing off her tits and ass would criticize a girl for making her living showing off her tits and ass. I really don’t see the two career choices being polar opposites.”

What, is she taking a cue from Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton on how to best look like a tranny? Is it a new trend, stuffing a sock in your pantyhose/ridiculously short dress ensemble and then flashing photographers as you get into a car? Or is it just plain old penis envy? If the free world hadn’t already seen her firecrotch in other pictures, this would make me swear up and down that she’s a dude. A slutty, sock-stuffing dude.

Gross, LiLo, just gross.

Coke whores.

What?!? Just a little fun word association game I play sometimes. You try it!

Answers will vary of course but FYI, “Haggard,” “Distractingly hairy chest” and “co-dependent, enabling relationship” would also be acceptable.

It appears Kevin Federline has 10 million reasons to keep partying on his wife’s dime, according to Page Six:

If he and wife Britney Spears ever split, he stands to get $10 million - millions more than has been reported. “Britney was leaving Kevin but then got pregnant again,” said a frustrated family friend. “He would have gotten $10 million.” Federline left his wife and sons at home last weekend to party with friends and random women at Tao in Las Vegas where, according to online reports, his bodyguard slammed a camera into the face of a photographer who tried to take his picture.

With two little ones, Britney can’t afford to let $10 million walk away. She can’t divorce him. But she sure as hell can’t stay with this jerk for long. So it looks to me like Britney has no other choice. She’s gonna have to kill him.

So Shanna Moakler is taking over Shannen Doherty’s former duties of kicking Paris Hilton’s ass in nightclubs because Paris dared to skank around with her husband. According to TMZ.com, both Paris and Shanna “filed police reports early Wednesday morning, alleging each was attacked. Paris says Moakler socked her in the jaw. Moakler claims Paris’ ex shoved her down some stairs.”

…at approximately 1:10 a.m. [Paris] says she was approached by Shanna, who allegedly began screaming obscenities at her. Hilton says at that point Moakler struck her in the jaw with a closed fist as she continued to shout profanities. Mintz says Moakler was restrained and several people helped Paris exit Hyde. Mintz says Hilton never touched Moakler.

Somebody saint this woman, for she’s done what millions of people want to do daily: punch Paris Hilton in the face! So what if it’s because of a lame reason like Paris whoring around with Shanna’s estranged husband, Travis Barker. The important thing here, lest we forget, is that Paris Hilton got punched in the face! Oooh, it makes me giddy just to say that!

Once again, skank queen extraordinaire Paris Hilton got punched in the face! Tell your friends! Rejoice and be merry, for there is justice after all! Sweet baby Jesus, this should be a national holiday!

Mariah Carey should look into getting more lipo because as it is, she’s giving Miss Piggy a serious run for her money. Well, if Miss Piggy were a hooker. She looks like she’s about to inhale the microphone in that picture. Damn Mariah relax, you can have your 2 buckets of KFC after the show, alright?

And she’s posing like she’s hot sex incarnate when in reality she looks like someone dressed up a pair of ham hocks in a weave and slutty lingerie. But then again, Mariah lives in her own delusional world of butterflies and glitter, where the streets are paved with bling and she’s still 19 years old and a size 4.

I give her 5 years before she goes totally psycho and winds up in a strait jacket at a mental hospital. A blinged-out and slutty strait jacket, that is.

Floppy pancakes, anyone? Mmm, extra herpes…

Yep, it’s Paris Hilton doing what she does best, skanking around and flashing her not-at-all-private parts. How can something be so gross and yet so boring and predictable at the same time? You’d think they’d be contradictory reactions, but Parisite Hilton has made me simultaneously yawn and recoil in horror. And they say she has no talent.

Look mom, just as slutty from the front!