Whatchoo Lookin At

Why does Gwen Stefani look like an 80-year-old New York socialite in mourning? It’s like the 1980’s died on her and she decided to wear it as a dress.

I usually like the funky looks Gwen fashions together from odd pieces and she can usually work crazy things, but this one is just awfully matronly, and you know she has a pretty cute figure under there, so why did she go and do that for, I mean maybe it was a temporary break with fashion reality and she kind of sort of maybe lost her mind just a little bit and just…NOOOO!!!

I am wiping it from my memory, as it’s simply too hideous to contemplate. What fashion disaster? See? Gone. Never happened.

More photographic evidence to throw into the mystifying but ever-growing “What the hell is happening to Jessica Simpson” pile.

Just one question: Is “she” pre-op or post-op?

Well, hey if this whole singing/acting thing fails, she can still get work at tranny shows impersonating herself. And charging people $3 to take a picture with a faded has-been, like she did with this poor guy below.

Well, he’s pretty drunk, anyways. TMZ.com reports Rodman’s shennanigans in Vegas. And turns out, surprise, surprise, the man is still out of his gourd.

Ex-NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman was in Las Vegaslast night, eating at hot new sushi restaurant, Social House…Most of his dining experience was spent schmoozing and boozing around the restaurant, drinking specialty cocktails. He showed some love to his fans and allowed restaurant goers to take pictures with him while they were eating.

Later that evening, Rodman meandered over to hip spot Tangerine at the Treasure Island, where he became the hostess with the mostess… literally! After a putting back a few Jagermeister shots, Rodman took over the burlesque show and held nothing back — dancing with a few of the female guests. While doing his own burlesque number, Rodman took off his extra small pink Playgirl camisole and twirled it around his head. Sources inside the club say flashbulbs never stopped as club goers served as Rodman’s own paparazzi.

Remember that scene in Men In Black where they showed freaks like Michael Jackson and Dennis Rodman and said they were really aliens? I think that would explain everything.

Since her Hermes bag with $1 million worth of jewelry and “asthma medicine” was found and returned to her by a chauffeur, Lindsay Lohan hasn’t even thanked the man, according to Page Six.

Tom Webster, the driver who found the star’s missing Hermes bag that was stuffed with $1 million worth of jewelry and her asthma medicine at Heathrow Airport earlier this month, says Lohan’s London rep promised him a reward or a thank-you note from her - but so far, he’s received neither.

Webster, who works for Reyka vodka, told Page Six: “They haven’t gotten back to me. Not a word. She seems like a nice girl and she was pleased to get the bag back - it was full of diamonds and bracelets and necklaces. But it’s really disappointing. I’d like to hear from her with maybe just a ‘thanks very much.’ Her people took my address and phone number and said they’d be in touch. I know these stars need a good looking-after, but she could have easily just spoke to me on the phone.”

And while she can’t tear herself away from her stash long enough to say thank you, she can keep up with her grueling schedule of going to clubs, doing plenty of underage drinking, and getting insulted by petty, jealous socialites:

Meanwhile, Lohan, 20, has been on a downward spiral since she split with Harry Morton. The other night, she was seen boozing at the Hollywood Roosevelt, which several months ago kicked out promoter Amanda Demme - who ran the hotel’s bars - for allowing underage celebutards to drink there.

But now that the bars are under new management, our spy says not much has changed: “Lindsay was drinking alcoholic beverages and smoking like a chimney, drowning her sorrows about Harry dumping her.”

Lohan was also recently whacked by the mean-spirited tongue of Nicky Hilton, who’s squarely in sister Paris‘ camp in the ongoing Paris-Lindsay feud. Nicky went over to Lohan with Brandon Davis in tow at the Teen Vogue party at the Sunset Tower and bellowed, “Let’s make up. We don’t want to fight anymore . . . firecrotch! Hahahahahaha!”

God, that Nicky Hilton is such a mega-bitch! I love her. Just kidding, she’s probably just as contaminated as Paris.

And this “firecrotch” phenomenon refuses to die already! I’m ready for the movie, Firecrotch: When Freckles and STD’s Attack, to come out any day now.

All hell is gonna break loose in the already iffy union that is the Jolie-Pitt clan. Page Six reports:

Jolie has told pals she’s ready to adopt again - but Pitt, it seems, is not. “Brad wants another child, preferably a boy - but he wants a biological boy,” said our snoop. “He is adamant and wants her to get pregnant again right away.” The couple have one biological child, Shiloh, and two adopted kids, Maddox and Zahara.

Now you know Maddox is PISSED! If I were Maddox, I’d bitchslap Brad to show him who’s boss around here, point to my cute mohawk and face and say, “You already have a son, asshole! ME! What the hell do you need a biological son for?!? And just so you know, I’ve already started training Zahara and Shiloh to kick your ass if you bring this up again. Now BOW DOWN TO KING MADDOX!!!”

Then I’d kick him in the nads and run away giggling. Yeah, you know it probably happens in real life everyday.

Or perhaps a victim of domestic violence?

I can’t decide, but it does remind me of that joke: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nuthin’, you already told her twice! Ah, that one never fails to make me chuckle.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with her? Even her unflattering top, in all its caped glory, looks like a strait-jacket. Or a sequined muumuu. (She finally decides to cover up those DD’s of hers and this is what she chooses?)

Also notice how insanely happy Ashlee looks. I think it’s no coincidence that in all the pics where Jessica looks her most busted, Ashlee has a huge shit-eating grin, proportional to the degree of Jessica’s busted-ness. I guess I’d be pretty ecstatic too if I was once the sister so fug my parents wanted to keep locked up in the basement while parading Jessica around as an only child. How the fug tables have turned! But still, if I were Jessica I’d smack that smug look right off her face and remind her that daddy still loves me more!

The picture below makes me want to play a guessing game. Which do you think Jessica regrets more: Leaving Nick; the fact that her career blows and nobody likes her since she left Nick; that even her sister Fuglee Simpson is prettier and more successful than her; or that she just ran out of Xanax?

So this is turning out to be a deeeelicious week for schadenfreude. Justice and Karma are doing pretty well too. And I’m thisclose to pissing myself from the sheer joy. It’s like Christmas came early for me this year…

First Paris gets arrested for DUI. Now Lindsay is crying because she was too stupid to keep an eye on her obscenely expensive belongings. I’ll interrupt my celebration just long enough to bring you the details, courtesy of TMZ.com:

Scotland Yard tells TMZ a “theft of a bag at Heathrow Airport was reported to police by a 20-year-old woman.” Sources say the contents of the missing bag total upwards of $1 million.

“It is alleged that as the woman exited the Terminal One building, she noticed that an orange Hermès handbag was missing from her suitcase trolley.” The bag, according to police, contained “a quantity of jewelry.”

Lindsay’s rep, Leslie Sloane, confirms to TMZ the theft occurred and that Lindsay is extremely upset about the loss of personal belongings. “She is begging for the return of the items,” Sloane says. “She doesn’t care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back.”

The Hermès Birkin bag that was stolen also contained Lindsay’s much needed asthma medication.

Sorry to point out the obvious, but you know the “much needed asthma medication” is just her cocaine stash. No wonder she’s upset, just look at how distraught she is in these pictures!

I know this advice is too little, too late, but I usually leave my $1 million worth of jewelry at home. Or if I absolutely must travel with it, I at least have the foresight to put it in my most secret, most tender of body cavities!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a martini calling my name to celebrate these irresponsible, spoiled-stupid celebutards finally getting their comeuppance! Cheers!

Oh, and p.s., just to rub salt in her wounds, let me remind you of Lohan’s previous incident where she flashed her, um, firecrotch at the Venice Film Festival the day before. Very NSFW.

Now, I know these look like run-of-the-mill pictures of a tranny being arrested on the Sunset strip, but it’s actually Paris Hilton being arrested for a DUI last night. So I guess at least the tranny part was right!

Hear that? That’s the sound of me clapping my hands in delight and unrestrained glee at this awesome bit of justice for all. For once, even if it was probably a fluke, the LAPD did their job and this worthless skank whore was arrested! Everyone rejoice, for miracles really do happen!!

Just hours after being released from jail this morning, Paris called in to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show with her lame ass excuse, according to TMZ.com:

Paris told Ryan she had an excruciatingly long day on Wednesday filming the video for her new single “Nothing in This World.” She told Ryan she wrapped shooting for the day, went to dinner with sister Nicky and girlfriends (guess she didn’t eat at dinner), attended a charity event hosted by Dave Navarro [the Suicide Girls 5 year anniversary party] and had one margarita. She says she left to drive home — which, she says, was only a few blocks away– and may have been going a little fast because she was “starving” and just wanted an In-N-Out Burger!

Since when is “one margarita” code for half a bottle of Jose Cuervo? Whatever, you know she was working the strip, she can’t help that she was born a tranny or a whore!

Not that she’s gonna let a little thing like an arrest get her down. Check out pictures and video below of her after she’s been released from jail. Isn’t she just the picture of shame and true remorse?

Well, I for one, feel remorse. Remorse that she didn’t drive off a cliff, that is. Can you imagine the dancing in the streets and the international holiday that would follow?

Vanity Fair finally published the pictures of Suri Cruise taken by Annie Liebovitz. In the accompanying article, Katie Holmes describes how she feels about the media scrutiny surrounding her new family, and what it feels like to be a mom.

Some of the crap that’s out there - the stuff that’s said about my parents and my siblings (implying that they didn’t approve of her relationship with Cruise, 44) - it’s really frustrating the amount of shit that’s out there. And the stuff they say about Suri? You shouldn’t say that about us, and you can’t say that about my child…”The moment the doctor handed me Suri,” Holmes says, “I was just ready. The feeling is indescribable. All I can say is the moment I looked in her eyes I felt like … Mom.”

So this is the baby they’ve kept hidden away for 5 months. I’m assuming that’s how long it took them to search all of Asia’s orphanages and find a baby with just the right traits to pass as the genetic offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

Okay, okay, since the Suri jokes chap Katie’s hide so much, I’ll admit that Suri is of course a beautiful baby, regardless of her origins–whether they be a lab, Asia, or outer space, she is incredibly cute and makes me want to do a fair share of cheek pinching. But if she turns out to be, like, really good at math, a slightly bad driver, and look more and more like Jackie Chan as the years go on, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.

Fergie decided to arrive at the MTV Video Music Awards yesterday dressed as the Mad Hatter’s slutty, rebellious daughter. And she also decided, for some unknown reason, to take a visibly nervous Shakira hostage on the red carpet with her. See how Shakira is leaning away from Fergie? It’s cause she can’t wait to make a break for it and run from this crazy bitch and her crazy-ass outfit–if it can indeed be called an “outfit,” because I was really going to go for “ill-conceived Halloween costume.”

You know Fergie’s totally pressing a gun to her back to even get Shakira to pose with her. Shit, I’d want to bolt too. I’d be afraid the ugly might rub off from that “outfit.” And from Fergie, of course. I think in a couple of years her eyebrows will recede into her hairline. Mark my words.