Whatchoo Lookin At

Big gay kisses, that is. Let this be a lesson to all you white leisure suit-wearing, Bee-Gee’s disco hits-dancing 70’s movie heartthrobs everywhere: Scientology turns you gay. This picture is proof positive. Let’s get a closeup of this golden moment, shall we?

Yep, definitely gay. Here’s a big HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I TOLD YOU SO!! to all of middle America who refused to believe that a nice young man like Vinnie Barbarino and his gorgeous blue eyes are gayer than glitter. Although I do hate to see my poor great-aunt Mildred so devastated and more than a little confused. I think it may be time to have that difficult conversation where the words “beard” and “closet” might have to be shockingly reinterpreted for her. And with her heart problems, I just don’t think it would be safe to even begin telling her about Tom Cruise.

This is just further proof that dog owners eventually begin to look like their dogs. And that Ken Paves must either hate Jessica or suck at doing hair. Or both. Isn’t the resemblance to her own dog Daisy simply astounding? They could be twins! But Daisy’s cuter.

Maybe the malnutrition-induced osteoporosis is finally kicking in. Maybe the fashion gods are trying to tell her those stupid shoes shouldn’t be worn with those shorts, or that she shouldn’t wear sunglasses or bags that weigh more than she does. Regardless, there’s nothing funnier than an action shot of somebody tripping over themselves midstep while their alleged boyfriend is oblivious to the fact!

But rest assured she didn’t break her bony ass and recovered quite nicely. Although Brody Jenner probably never even realized how she almost broke a hip.

Somebody call Webster’s. Apparently “too urban” now means “too ghetto.” Or “too black.” Or “too gay.” Take your pick. Either way, it was an ugly lesson that member’s of Kimora Lee Simmon’s Baby Phat entourage were none too happy to learn. The Daily Dish says:

Several members of the Baby Phat founder’s entourage were deemed “too urban” Thursday night to be allowed into the Meatpacking District boite [P.M. Lounge], which has the atmosphere of a mid-century Haitian gentleman’s club. While Simmons, execs from her clothing line and a roster of “Baby Phat girls” were ushered into the party for company ad director B.J. Coleman, rapper types were blocked, says the source.

“They kept saying we were too ghetto,” says our source. “They were rude - they even called one guy a ‘big fat [homophobic epithet].’” Words - including the N-word - were exchanged, claims our earwitness, and “Kimora was horrified.”

But not horrified enough to keep her from enjoying “an erotic dancer with the group Asian invasion” who danced on her table later that night, of course. Priorities!

Club owner Unik Ernest denied his staff used any epithets and offered to fire the offending member of his staff “on the spot” if it could be proven otherwise. A further excuse offered was that P.M. Lounge does try to control the male to female ratio and has a dress code that prohibits baggy pants and Timberland boots. Which prompts me to respond to Mr. Ernest with a synchronized neck-roll/eye-roll combination and a resounding ” Mmmmmmmmm-hmmmmmm! WhatEVA!!”

The good news is that Parisite’s stink of an album bombed according to Soundscan. The bad news is that “bombed” means it actually sold 75,000 copies in the U.S. Which is really about 74,999 copies too many, if you ask me and the rest of America with any musical taste whatsoever. Page Six has the gleeful details about Paris’ album debacle:

“The international outlook is not much better for her,” one industry source told Page Six. “The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can’t back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can’t sing live.”

The source added that Hilton was advised a year ago to train her voice, work with choreographers and learn an instrument to prepare for a limited tour, but “obviously she didn’t listen.”

Good. We all knew bitch couldn’t sing. Let this serve as inspiration for another delusional wannabes with musical aspirations–Yeah, K-Fed, I’m talking to you. You know you can’t sing (or rap), you’re a star only in your own mind and in your own shower, and America doesn’t want to hear the crap you’re inflicting on our ears!

Again, it must be stressed that In Touch Weekly might not be the bastion of journalistic accuracy, but for some reason–like the immeasurable entertainment value of reading crazy-ass stories about celebrities which may or may not be true–The Scoop keeps reporting its stories:

Now, after surviving a few rough patches in their marriage, the couple has decided to renew their vows after the birth of their second child in October, reports the mag. After reports that Spears had consulted a divorce lawyer, “she wants to show the world that she is happily married,” an insider told ITW.

Spears’ spokeswoman tells The Scoop she knows nothing of plans for renewed vows.

And in another romantic gesture, Spears has allegedly bestowed upon her hubby a black American Express card with no credit limit. Although the two have reportedly fought over money, this gift is Spears’ effort, according to the mag, “to prove how much she trusts him.”

I guess nothing celebrates a hastily made, ill-advised (and probably heavily influenced by THC molecules) decision better than making another one. Here’s how it went down in the theater of my mind:

BRITNEY: “Dang, baby, Ah know mah life and career’s been going nowhere but downhill since Ah married you and let you knock me up twice, but Ah still know we’s gonna be soooo happy once this baby’s born! So Ah’s thinking we should renew our vows to celebrate, whatchoo think?”

KEVIN: “Uh…yeah…You know, baby, nothing says celebration of trust in a marriage like my very own black Am Ex card.”

BRITNEY: “Oh dang, baby, you’re right! That would be, like, classy and romantic! Ah knew my mama was wrong and Ah didn’t make a mistake a-marryin’ you!”

So let me get this straight: a racy (by 1950’s schoolmarm standards) photoshoot for OK! magazine was deemed too slutty according to Jessica Simpson’s mom, but THIS is okay?

And the Simpsons still wonder why everyone always calls them dysfunctional hyprocritical sell-out, pimp-your-own-daughters-for-a-buck FREAKS. Okay, so maybe by “everyone” I mean just me, and by “always” I mean just now, but still. Her boobies are showing in public, helloo?!?!

Although in a dark room somewhere, Joe Simpson is making himself a very happy, satisfied man. Repeatedly.

GROSS!

It’s just like Back to the Future: K-Fed from 2026 got in a time machine to give his younger self some advice: “Keep knocking the bitch up, you’ll get waaaay more money! And give those wife-beaters a rest–turns out they really do make you look like a douche.”

(Apologies for the sporadic posts, it’s a bitch when you have shit to do like move to another continent…)

Ha! This should be the final clue to Lindsay Lohan that NO ONE IS BUYING THAT HEAT EXHAUSTION B.S.!!!

She received the above letter from the CEO of Morgan Creek films, which is producing her latest film, “Georgia Rule.” Click on the letter to read how he tells her point-blank that nobody believes her excuses about heat exhaustion and illness, and they know that she’s not coming in to work because she partied too hard the night before. He also says she is behaving like a “spoiled child,” is “irresponsible” and “unprofessional,” and that her behavior is costing them loads of money in delays! He even threatens to sue her for the “damages” she’s inflicting on the picture.

Holy shit! More people should be this direct! The level of “calling in sick” would plummet across the entire country if people knew their boss would call you out like this! I know I’d straighten up and stop calling in drunk STAT!

With Britney Spears out of commission due to her pregnancy, she hasn’t been able to do what she does best and attend to her regular attention whoring, paparazzi-baiting duties (you know that vain bitch won’t leave the house so people won’t see that she looks as huge as a house). But she can still do the second thing she does best: fire her staff.

Britney fired her poolboy for talking too much to her already useless and loafing husband, Kevin Federline, according to In Touch magazine.

“I was hanging out a little bit,” ex-employee Jon LaLanne told In Touch Weekly. “She came out screaming at Kevin for lying around, then looked at me like I was to blame.” The next day, LaLanne says he got a call from Spears’ people, telling him not to report for work. LaLanne, son of the famed exercise guru Jack LaLanne, also has a band, and he says he and K-Fed would talk music. But, he claims, Spears would get jealous when her hubby talked to anyone else.

“She wants Kevin on a leash,” LaLanne told the mag. “She fires everybody. I figured, ‘Why not me?’ I just didn’t expect her to be so mean.” He adds: “It’s a revolving door there. She’s not the nice person everyone thinks she is.”

What!?!?!!!? Britney Spears, not nice? Britney Spears, a mean, nagging bitch? Color me shocked, stunned and bewildered! My mind is spinning in disbelief! Surely these are all a great big pack of lies! Lies, I say! Britney is the epitome of reason, the shining example of decorum! Clearly, the poolboy was just jealous of her awesome marriage, just like those false tabloids, y’all.