Whatchoo Lookin At

Cue Conan O’Brien’s “In The Year 2000″ music…

This is why I freakin love Us Weekly. They explore silly, frivolous conjecture (because “lies” is such a harsh word) about celebrities and aren’t afraid to print it. Even if it hasn’t “allegedly” happened yet, or even been attributed to a “close friend in the celebrity’s camp” yet.

All the headlines tickle me: Zahara Jolie (probably no longer Pitt) brokers mideast peace! Kal-El Cage changes his name to Bob! Sean Preston Federline in bar brawl with mom Britney! Okay, that last one is all but guaranteed to happen, sure as Britney loves Cheetos and Red Bull.

And I must say, great job on the Suri Cruise picture. It looks like it could actually be the grown (surely test-tube created) offspring of Tom “Certifiably Insane” Cruise and Katie “I Sold My Soul” Holmes. They must have, like, NASA-level aging software technology or something.

Note to self: if my multi-gajillionaire daddy ever dies, don’t piss off my insufferably spiteful socialite mom to the point that she practically writes me out of daddy’s will.

According to Us Weekly, Tori Spelling will get an $800,000 inheritance from her father’s $500 million estate, which is a paltry 0.16% of the Spelling fortune. [Hear that? That’s the sound of Tori’s new husband’s jaw dropping to the floor, packing his bags and calling his divorce lawyer.]

“Tori’s share is a brush-off Aaron Spelling would never have intended for his only daughter,” says a family source in Us Weekly.

“I believe Candy had a lot to do with what was left for Tori,” the source says of Tori’s mother, who is sole managing executor of the estate. (Candy’s rep had no comment.)

And just to rub it in, her mom is also including the service staff in the will: her home decorator will get $50,000 and her personal manicurist–yes, you read correctly, personal manicurist–will get $25,000 upon Candy Spelling’s death. But hey, I guess at least these people have brought style and fabulousness into Candy’s life. But Tori? She just takes, and takes, and takes! And poor Candy simply has nothing left to give. Except for that $500 million fortune, that is. And Tori sure as hell will never even be able to pry that cash out of her mother’s cold dead hands!

It’s back to grinding out Lifetime movie gems like Mind Over Murder, or Mother May I Sleep With Danger, or Oh God I Ran Out of Tampons or whatever idiotic drivel Lifetime is making these days.

Britney Spears has found a way to bring the unmerciful “false tabloids” to their knees: Sue them in Ireland and Britain, where the libel laws work in her favor.

She has won a settlement that require a retraction and apology for stories The National Enquirer printed that claimed her marriage to Kevin Federline was over. The AP reports:

The apology and retraction was published Tuesday in the British edition in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales and was being published Wednesday in its Republic of Ireland version.

It said that National Enquirer officials “now accept that their marriage is not over and they are not getting divorced. These allegations are untrue and we now accept Britney’s position that the statements are without foundation. We apologize for any distress caused.”

Whereas U.S. libel law requires a celebrity to prove that an article was both false and published maliciously, British and Irish libel law places the burden of proof on the publisher of such material.

Media lawyers say such cases could become increasingly popular when targeting U.S.-based publications with even a small overseas distribution.

So now if you don’t like what the media says about you, you run to Irish and British lawyers and sue? What a crock of BS–no coincidence that those are Britney Spears’ initials!

I think this is going to cause the American media to be even more brutal and merciless to her now, and simply publish different “kid glove” versions in Irish and British publications! Won’t she look stupid when she finally does divorce that rat-faced idiot leech—something so obvious in coming that BLIND PEOPLE COULD SEE IT FROM SPACE!!!

I hope the taboids demolish her career and deliver the proper verbal smackdown she’s earned!

You see what happens when stupid hicks have too much money and not enough common sense?

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Karma, bitch that it is, is taking one ginormous bite out of Star Jones’ flabby, deflated ass!

Karma is also one funny bitch, and it really doesn’t get any funnier than this blind item that is transparently about Big Gay Al and his megalomaniac meal ticket, unlucky Starlet Jones.

According to E!’s Ted Casablanca, now that Star’s career is down the tubes, Big Gay Al cut his losses and told Star he was gay, which came as a surprise to nobody but her, of course. Didn’t anyone ever tell her that denial is not a river in Egypt?!? And now even Star’s daily glass of delusion juice can’t shield her from the truth. So sad.

Now excuse me while I do my happy dance! Hee!!

It’s over for Carmen and Dave, much as those pesky rumors have hinted at for months now. Don’t believe that “amicable split” line from their publicist, though. It seems it’s long been over between them and Dave has been involved with another woman. Page Six elaborates:

Life & Style magazine’s source claims Navarro has been “practically living with his girlfriend of five months, socialite Sarah Howard,” even though he and Electra continued to pretend to be together at public outings.

“Carmen is so focused on her career, she doesn’t even care,” the source continued. “Dave told Sarah it’s totally over between him and Carmen.”

Well it’s not like everyone didn’t see this coming: it can’t bode well for the long term when your husband wears more eyeliner than you do. Never mind that this is the same woman who married the freak show that is Dennis Rodman. Oh well, better luck next time, and thanks for playing the Hollywood marriage game!
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Beyonce has admitted that she and her manager dad have had their differences regarding control of her career. She’s had to tell him to back off and let her make her own decisions now that she’s an adult.

“It took awhile for me and my dad to have an understanding,” she says in excerpts from the interview on MTV.com. “When I turned 18 and started handling my business more, he went into shock. And we had our issues.”

Among them, she says, “I’d say ‘No’ to something, and he’d book it anyway. Then I’d have to do it because I’d look bad (if I didn’t).”

The singer says that it “took about two years, to when I was 20, for him to realize, ‘Oh, she is an adult now, and if she doesn’t wanna do something, I can’t make her do it.’ “

Beyonce needs to spend some quality time with Jessica Simpson and teach her a few things about dealing with controlling fathers. I’m pretty sure the gist of it is, “Listen up old man, I’m your mealticket and now that I’m an adult, I can make my own decisions. You do what I say and if you don’t like it, you’re fired.”

Come to think of it, this would be excellent advice for Britney Spears to put her leech of a husband in his place too. Damn, Beyonce should be the next Oprah for celebrities who need to get their shit together!

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Everyone’s favorite punk princess Avril Lavigne married her sk8er boi/Sum 41 boi, Deryck Whibley this weekend in Montecito, California in front of 100 close friends and family, but no celebrities. Canada.com got the details:

“I’m used to going on stage and stuff but this was totally different,” Lavigne said Sunday. “It was more exciting. It was the biggest moment of my life.”

The bride wore a Vera Wang custom-made ivory strapless tissue organza gown with wrapped bodice and appliqué lace beaded skirt. She carried a bouquet of white roses.

Whibley and his five groomsmen, including best man Steve Jocz (Sum 41 drummer), wore Boss Black tuxes by Hugo Boss. The groom’s rock roots showed in his choice of footwear.

Let’s see, she’s 21, he’s 26, and they’re both busy recording artists who can’t escape the limelight. Hmm, reminds me of some other former “Newlyweds” who are now “Newlydivorced.” As long as they stay away from doing MTV reality shows, it’s gonna last forever, I can feel it! However, the cold-hearted, cynical bitch in me just placed a $500 bet with my Vegas bookie that they don’t last more than 3 years.

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For once Star magazine has a true story on their cover! There’s a new laser lipo technique that melts fat and tightens skin, is safer and less invasive than regular lipo! Apparently it is already available in Britain, Australia, Asia and Italy, but is still awaiting FDA approval in the U.S.

Okay, my only question is, where do I sign up? I don’t need no stinkin’ FDA approval!! I guess I’ll have to go to Europe or Asia to get it done–they’re not bothered with silly little American technicalities like safety. Seriously, it’s like everyone’s prayers have been answered. God, I love science!!

I’m off to find a doctor that will make my body look like Carmen Electra’s up there! See ya, suckers!!

Jessica Simpson spent her 26th birthday in Cabo with her hairstylist and main gay, Ken Paves (in spite of my repeated pleas to fire him because of his repeated attempts to give her either the “rat’s nest” look, or the “matronly clown with orange hair” look.) But poor Jessica must think he’s her BFF since she pays him so well to hang around her. You’d have to pay me too to hang around that dysfunctional Simpson clan.

The other thing about these pictures is they don’t look like paparazzi pics. They look like her pics, and she probably sold them to the tabloids. You know Papa Joe took these to indulge his little photography “hobby” he’s had since Jessica hit puberty. But we don’t get to see the topless shots cause they’re for his personal collection. Ew, I just grossed myself out.

I couldn’t resist posting this one. Because she looks like a horse with her veneers, get it?

Oh, it just never gets old, it always makes me giggle.

Just for clarification purposes, Hilary is the one on the right, by the way. Uncanny, ain’t it?